By Rachel Smith
It’s the year 2013 and consequently my 27th year of being single, albino and a much larger fan of vodka than one should be. According to my childhood journal, this should not be as such.
As I so eloquently explained in a Winnie the Pooh notebook on July 18, 1997, my late twenties are supposed to be spent living in a brownstone in Manhattan, married to a “tall Jewish boy” and finishing up medical school at Columbia to pursue my career as a heart surgeon. I’m probably tan as well, though at 11 years old I guess I didn’t completely understand its importance and didn’t see the need to record it.
I got off this fantasy track somewhere around my undergrad when I realized that things like brownstones and medical degrees cost money… and that tall, Jewish boys literally don’t exist.
But a defeatist I am not – a realist is more accurate. I mean shit, if we’re being honest, heart surgeons are terribly boring and Manhattan smells like farts. I’m over those dreams. Though it really is tough to say if I’m better off unwed at this age than I had previously envisioned because there are so many benefits to living a life of debauchery, but there are also many instances where a +1 could come in handy. Below, I’ve outlined some personal defining factors of my singlehood and weighed the pros and cons.
I am, at this very instant, in thousands of dollars of debt, have two dollars cash in my coat pocket and $23.14 in my checking account. No, make that $21.15 – I forgot that I bought “Skyfall” by Adele on iTunes this morning. The point is, who the hell cares? In my opinion, whatever is left over after rent is fair game for random home goods at Target and $150 worth of Vodka at Chargins. I can live off Ramen, tap water, and using the office’s paper towels as my toilet paper until Pay Day. Your kid can’t. WIN: SINGLE PEOPLE.
When you get married, you promise to love that person for better or worse – and that includes when you’re spouse looks like a dug-up carcass from the fields of Gettysburg. The fact is, tan people are more visually appealing because they don’t look like someone who has been sitting inside drinking vodka sodas for 18 months. (Echem, hello). In addition to my love of indoor “activities”, my Russian/Irish descent certainly doesn’t help matters. The harsh reality is that nobody wants to sleep with Casper-they want to sleep with Ariel’s tan sister. But when you’re married, you’re just happy to be getting laid. WIN: MARRIED PEOPLE.
Excessive Vodka Consumption
I am not at a point in my life where I want a spouse to tell me “no” to that last shot of whiskey or sixth ramekin of ranch at dinner. On the flip side, it might be good to have a moderator there so I don’t like, die from diabetes. And even if my husband were pro-party, it would be socially irresponsible if both of us were alcoholics so better to stay solo on this one. WIN: SINGLE PEOPLE.
I absolutely love living alone… for the most part. There’s no one to judge me for passing out on the couch, watching terrible TV for 12 hours straight, or displaying my nail polish on the stove. I can stumble in at any hour and never have to explain my whereabouts and don’t have to worry about waking anyone up when making Eggo waffles at 3AM. However, there are several downsides to single living as well. I hate having to carry all of the groceries into the house. I am also not a fan of having to jump around my apartment to the point of severe sweating while trying to zip up my dress, then doing a similar dance when trying to take off the dress. Things also get awkward when I’m sitting on my couch watching a funny movie and I start laughing out loud and turn to the side searching for validation only to realize no one is there, making me look like a complete asshole. And sometimes my back itches and I really want someone to scratch it. Or take out the trash on a hot summer’s day. And when I wake up in the morning, sometimes it would be nice to have a human man lying next to me instead of having to walk to CVS for fresh batteries. WIN: MARRIED PEOPLE.
I know some married couples who have an amazing sex life and others who only do it missionary-style in the dark every other Tuesday. These same issues plague single people as well. Some of us singletons are having great sex with an array of partners, while others are on a six-month dry spell. I guess the answer lies with who it is you’re having sex with. For married people, they have the benefit of being with someone who actually knows their name. Added bonus: they don’t have to worry about STDs or getting pregnant from the bean-scooper at Chipotle. But you know, married people may find themselves wanting to have sex with someone new after about, 25 years -or days. For single people, we have the benefit of being able to sleep with whoever we want, whenever we want. Yes, that means a lot of winners, but realistically even more losers. WIN: TIE. (DEPENDS HOW ADVENTUROUS YOUR SPOUSE IS/IF YOU’RE HAPPY WITH SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE WHO SCOOPS BEANS)
BONUS: Single but most of your friends are married? Have we got an amazing Tumblr for you – check it out here.