The Ten Horrible Women You (May) Meet in Sacramento Bars

4 Posted by - May 23, 2013 - Discussion, Love and Marriage

By our favorite #7′s and #10′s (with a little help from Laura Braden, Jamie Romas, Rachel Smith and Julia Tanghetti)

EDITOR’s NOTE: After our “Ten Horrible Men You (May) Meet in Sacramento Bars” went viral (over 2,300 views the first day), we realized that we were onto something. We received dozens of texts, calls, emails and Facebook/GChats from our guy friends wanting to know if certain profiles were written about them. We heard from tons of women who thought we were talking about their ex specifically. We created a poll to see which profile resonated the most (#7 was the clear winner).

The good news is that no profile was about any one person, but rather the compilation of our experiences, what we’ve heard girls complain about…and we even had a few of our #7 and #10 friends help us draft the post. And while GOTG is largely meant to celebrate and champion all things great on the grid…it’s also really fun (and clearly welcomed by our readers) to get a little snarky. So in the interest of total fairness, we decided it was time to turn our spotlight towards the ladies.

Because let’s face it, there are plenty of crazy females out there ruining it for the rest of us trying to find Mr. Right (or Mr. Right Now). In fact, some of these prototypes are directly responsible for creating the monsters of men that many of us find ourselves dealing with. So we present (in no particular order), the top ten horrible women you (may) meet in Sacramento bars…

1. Ms. Sloppy Drunk at Work Functions

already-drunkEveryone dreams of the work party with free booze and naughty little tryst that comes along with flowing libations (Yes, we want our lives to be exactly like Mad Men. Deal with it. At least it isn’t Gossip Girl.). But pass on the chick who can’t handle her booze.

Yelling “shots!” at your boss isn’t kosher unless he is in LMFAO. And its still not cool when your boss is in LMFAO. Find the happy medium. Get drunk enough that you can fool around in a cab… Not so drunk that a cab turns into an ambulance.

2. Ms. Interloper

cray

She’s a good conversationalist. Always ready for a round of drinks. Can tell a good joke. She’s pretty cool when it comes down to it – until they try to steal everyone around us. Sure your 20s and 30s are about good friends and good times. But make friends, don’t hijack them. That’s when the crazy shows up, and it is special. You’ve befriended my friends on Facebook after a brief encounters. You exchange numbers with my girl friends to practice yoga. And you start showing up at gatherings, happy hours, and parties with people you didn’t know from the week before.

Of course you want to hang with our crew: we’re great. But that’s our choice. It gets weird when you’re running with the friends’ girlfriends… when they don’t even know your last name. Stop wedging your way in. You’d be welcome if you didn’t force it so much. (That’s what she said!)

And if she doesn’t get bounced for the next flava of the week, she’ll dip out of your life because she’s found another “cool” group to roll with. Don’t worry. We’ll be fine because as fast as you’ve friended us, that’s as fast as you’re forgotten.

3. Ms. Denial

Despite the apparent awesomeness of our dear town, this chick dreams of greener pastures… but has zero drive to actually change her scenery. And let’s be clear – she’ll never, ever be happy where she is. She’ll wax poetic (AKA incessantly whine) about the shopping, restaurants, party and dating options in Los Angeles and San Francisco… but when pressed, can only name the most obvious examples. Her Facebook cover photos fluctuate between Laguna Beach and the Golden Gate bridge or Napa’s vineyards and the Giants’ World Series win… but all are stock photos. You’ll break up with her the next morning after your first sober conversation.

4. Ms. Hubster and Babies

[internal monologue]

“Oh, Lord no. Check the condom. No, no – check it again! Is that a pinhole? Oh no… no no no. I only left the room for a minute to use the bathroom. Why didn’t I notice anything? HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID? She wouldn’t stop talking about her girlfriends’ babies all through dinner. “Sandy just had her second daughter. I looove my little nieces and nephews! Baby Timothy just sat up for the first time. Ugh, I can’t wait to be a mom!” 

“And she kept talking nonstop about bridesmaids dresses and floral arrangements. Did we look at her Pinterest account together? What was the deal with asking if I would be okay moving to the suburbs? And why did she keep asking about my family medical history? WHY DID SHE KEEP ASKING ABOUT MY FAMILY MEDICAL HISTORY?! Breathe, man. Breathe…now what time does Rite-Aid open?”

5. Ms. “True” Sports Fan

crayGO WHATEVER LOCAL/REGIONAL SPORTS TEAM IS IN SEASON!!!!! WHOOOOO!!!!

Stop. Just stop. All of it. You don’t have to fake the funk. There is no way you like [insert sport] as much as your man. The way you reacted to that double-play sounded like someone stole your dignity. And just because there is “laundry” on the field (penalty flag) doesn’t mean you need to yell about how blind the refs are. We get it. 

Liking sports is all good and we appreciate the conversation about the games, but please save the lectures. A moment of honesty: Sports are a break from you sometimes. I don’t need you ruining the one thing that I can truly enjoy.

But for real, we want to you like sports (I know that was contradictory to everything above.). You just don’t need to be the assistant coach. We have a hard enough time realizing that we aren’t on the team. But please feel free to wear a sexy jersey – and leave it at that. No need for you to go all Madden on us.

6. Ms. Gold Digger/Puppet Master

kanyeSigh, this girl makes us the maddest. She’s only after one thing – and it’s not your personality or company. Maybe she’s a victim of her upbringing and circumstances, but if Oprah and Coco Chanel can make it financially on their own, then so can you sweetheart. I don’t know why this chick is also high maintenance and neurotic, but they seem to go hand-in-hand. Her body is usually rocking (to make up for her face, attitude and/or personality).

She’s the ultimate “yes” woman … playing the role of trophy girlfriend, stroking your ego (and anything else you want), and making you feel like the center of her universe – but God help you when you lose your job or get caught checking out a girl at Zebra Club or buy the wrong Tiffany bracelet with your “black card” (which you better hope is an AmEx, rather than a Capital One Venture Miles).

You’ll wake up screaming one fine morning and won’t know why. We do. It’s the existential terror of knowing you’ll never have enough money or time to ever truly satisfy her. She doesn’t really love you or want you to be happy, you exist simply as the means to her ends. You’ll break up with her (for the fifth and final time) after you’ve paid her cell phone bill for the 100th time.

If you can’t keep up, she’s moving on.

7. Ms. Independent

Ok Beyonce, we get it – GSD is your middle name, and Confidence and Ambition are your best friends. This chick is likely younger but with a longer resume and larger bank account… And MAN, is she NOT afraid to let you know it.

Terrified that you won’t respect her or treat her as an equal partner, she’ll go out of her way to assert her power and authority. Sex on top? Check. Name-dropping the politicos she’s worked for/knows personally? Check. Doesn’t trust you, but expects you to trust her? Check.

At first, you’re intrigued that she reads Atlantic Monthly and knows all about the French-Indian war, but this is a fully functioning adult that’s not afraid to (loudly) express herself…or call out your BS.  You’ll inevitably shelve her when you realize it’s much easier to have one night stands with other #’s on this list that you’ve just met at Chargins or BarWest.

8. Ms. Fitness Freak

Crossfit, Bikram yoga, boot camps, running laps around McKinley Park, Capitol Athletic Club – this woman will wear you down like her last pair of running shoes. She has no time for your insecurities. Her body is a temple, and your manboobs sicken her.

The worst part about the fitness freak is that it spills over into real life. Chicken and rice again? Another salad wrap? Men can cope with that, but when you only order soda water with a lime at a bar, you cross a line. Pull the healthy stick out of your ass and have a good time. A personality is part of looking great.

You can give her a shot … She may even find your pale skin and flabby arms endearing for awhile. But that other drill-instructor-boot will eventually drop. She’ll complain that you have no interest in taking care of yourself. You’ll try and justify having a cheeseburger for lunch while she’s pounding down a kale and quinoa salad, staring at you with complete disdain. Want to hit the bars? Too bad because she’s on a juice cleanse to get ready for “bathing suit season” you FAT. DISGUSTING. F***.

It’s pretty simple: this gal is so horribly unhappy with herself that she’ll project every last bit of her personal pathos onto you. If she doesn’t get to feel great about herself, then neither do you, uggo.

9. Ms. Drug User

Cocaine is one hell of a drug.

Cocaine is one hell of a drug.

iPhone constantly blowing up? Endless supply of ziploc bags and energy? Yep, these people don’t just exist in the male form. She knows the way to any club bathroom from any angle of attack. They chicks are easy to spot: typically they’re 32, still working on her Bachelor’s at Sac State and still working in the service industry.

She can dance til dawn but is really only good for the night (make that exactly 8 hours, and yes, condoms are an absolute neccesity). She’ll hang out with anyone, anywhere at anytime – as they long as they supply her with a seemingly endless supply of nose candy.

Her motivating factor when it comes to men? Does he have hard drugs, and how do I get him to give them to me? You’ll break up with her (jokes – you don’t actually date these women!!!) when your bank account is empty … and you realize you’re one of seven guys she’s “hanging out” with.

Again – really, really hope you wore that condom.

10. Ms. Cougar

cougarsShe’s not really a “girl” per say anymore, but she would probably love if you referred to her as such. You can find this specimen of horrendous woman at the Mix most nights (because thank god there’s no cover if you’re over 40).

You decide to approach because her body looks banging from all those Bar Method and Pilates classes. But once you move in for the crush and strike up a conversation, you notice it’s a bit odd that her face has no movement from the eyes up (thank you Botox!) and her lips have a permanent duck pout (thank you Juvederm!). Let’s be real, she doesn’t want to talk, she just wants to drive you back to Roseville, lock you in her bedroom and reenact all three books in the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy.

While she could be fun for a weekend, Midtown beckons you back because life hearing about PTA meetings, her P.O.S. ex and his “pathetic” alimony checks, and dinners at Crush 29 get very old very quick. Not unlike her.

BONUS: Ms. Hipper Than Thou

(Added late by overwhelming popular demand and courtesy of “Mr. Big”)

hipsterOh… THIS broad. Variants can be found in every major metropolitan area on either coast with suitably sketchy/”artistic” neighborhood. Let’s go down the list, shall we?

  • Exclusively smokes American Spirits and wears Keds.
  • Most income spent on tattoos and in thrift shops.
  • Hates “bros from Roseville” even more than you do.
  • Doesn’t date men that weigh more than 150 pounds.
  • “I’m only into musicians and artists”.
  • Works in the service industry because of the hours and lack of responsibility.
  • Totally models her look on Bettie Page, even if she denies it.
  • Physically recoils when you mention leaving the Grid for anything (“What about running to Costco?” “UGH GROSS”).
  • Complains that The Golden Bear is becoming “too popular”.
  • Talks about moving someplace like Oak Park … but never, ever will.

But, she’s sexy so you’ll give her a shot even though you will fail … miserably – especially if you’re not in a band or sans handlebar mustache. Quoting one of our fave Guys On The Grid: “Unapproachable in groups, dangerous when stranded. To be avoided at all costs.”

See also the Coachella Girl who exists on a diet of dust, psychedelics and MDMA and it’s a damn good thing they do because it’s the only way they are going to fit into those blackmilk leggings or look good walking around in nothing but furry boots booty shorts, pasties and a fuzzy hat. The festival girl would be a great time if she stopped worrying about making sure her flower headband is on straight and just listened to music for a minute!

And a special thanks to the Midtown men that contributed to this post – we appreciate your “eagerness” to help make this post accurate.

 

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