Searching for a man to spend your life with is like trying to fit into your prom dress for your 30th birthday bash: painful and depressing.
How the GOTG editors found more than one employed, single man for the SMEB competition is a feat this state-school-brain will never fully understand. Certainly there are good men out there, as evidenced by all of the newly engaged couples on my Facebook wall each day, but in my experience all the men I encounter are either married or gay. None of whom do me any good when planning a future filled with couples’ dinners and children’s birthday parties at Safetyville.
While I know that there are amazing, single men roaming these same streets, I personally haven’t come face-to-face with one yet so it would be foolish for me to even attempt to write about them. Not only that, but speaking kindly about people is just not my bag.
So here are the top ten horrible men you (may) encounter in Sacramento bars…
1. The PBR-Swilling, Skinny-Jean-Clad Hipster
The stars align with this guy while dancing awkwardly at the Town House or sipping tea on the back patio of Bows and Arrows. With a bevy of ironic tattoos, he offers to split his last American Spirit while you are regaled with stories about his new band and how he saw Cake at Cattle Club in ’95. Fast-forward three weeks and he’s asking you for rent money and a ride to the recording studio. And when you finally break up? He’ll accuse of you of dumping him because he doesn’t make enough money. Um, no… It’s because I’m tired of sleeping with a dude who’s skinnier than me.
2. The Bro from Broseville
Dreaming of a man in a white Cadillac Escalade whisking you away to the suburbs? Then head to the bars around the general vicinity of 28th and J Streets. He’ll have a tribal tattoo and more studs on his jeans than an Ace Hardware store, but at least he’s tan and on day 170 of PX90. Similar to the men of “The Jersey Shore,” he’s super narcissistic and prefers his women with charred faces and ratty hair extensions. You’ll know it’s time to break-up after your 18th meal at the Cheesecake Factory – and when you realize you’ve spent hundreds of dollars in gas money driving to the ‘burbs just to get spooned.
3. The Drug User
Someone who uses drugs on a daily basis clearly works the Applebee’s night shift. Hell, at least he has a job. After spending six years at Blockbuster Video and facing its subsequent bankruptcy, this guy decided to shift his talents from slangin’ VHS tapes to serving processed food to obese families and their bratty kids. His hours are long, and he always comes home smelling like baby vomit and expects you to enjoy that. The nail in the coffin of this relationship? When you realize that your best silverware has gone missing. Too bad he didn’t realize it was from Ikea.
4. The Drug Dealer
Sacramento has a lot of these, which is certainly great news for our friend working the Applebee’s night shift. It’s not good news for anyone who doesn’t want to end up as an accomplice to a capital murder in Meadowview. Drug dealers aren’t always the easiest to spot, but you can probably bank on the guy playing the pinball machine and wearing a black zip-up, baggy jeans and a generic red hat. You know it’s over when you call his cell, and his buddy answers to let you know he’s in jail. Spoiler alert? Days later you spot his mugshot on BuzzFeed.com wearing a shirt that says “I shaved my balls for this?”
I appreciate a surprise as much as the next gal, but I would rather know what I’m working with instead of being caught off-guard in the morning when “said child” wakes me up by pounding me in the face with a yellow Care Bear. And when I say “upfront,” I mean you better tell me that you’re a dad in the same breath as when you ask what I’m drinking. I have no problem dating someone’s father, but sex is slightly awkward with a man who has witnessed live childbirth, ya know? Honestly, a dude having a child is actually beneficial since it allows me to retain more of my independent, single-gal-schedule (i.e., dipping slices of turkey into Sabra Hummus while painting my toenails). But there are far too many men who don’t disclose this critical piece of information, which is a giant red flag for other “surprises” that might be lurking in his life. Like his wife.
6. The Square
Apparently, nerds drink too. This is interesting since I’m pretty sure they didn’t in high school, so this must be their way of reliving the cool kid parties. The problem with missing those precious years of building alcohol tolerance means that they can’t hold their drink to save their lives. You give them a modest seven vodka sodas and they’re like, puking everywhere. These guys are usually either really short or obnoxiously tall, wear an Obama 2012 button or some sort of environmental awareness t-shirt, and will never (ever) be able to unhook your bra without assistance. You’ll break up with him after you realize he loves your xBox avatar more than the real you.
7. The Dude Posing as a Man
Imagine yourself at a political fundraiser … corporate reception … or Pour House. An articulate and well-groomed guy (likely in a suit) approaches you. He’s funny, smart and can accurately explain most of the ballot props – you’ve hit the jackpot, right? Wrong. You’ve likely just met a Midtown “dude” pretending to be a “real man.” They’re the trickiest prototype of all because the packaging is right, but the product is defective. In most cases, they’re considered successes in their respective industries – but are totally incapable of handling a real woman on (or above) their social/professional level. So instead, they troll around Midtown killing it with unassuming bartenders and government fellows that think they’ve hit the jackpot because he’s got a tiny polo player on his shirt and drinks a Manhattan. You’ll break up with him when…oh wait, you were never really dating him in the first place.
8. The Tease
We’ve already covered the emo-hipster, so please understand this is a completely different type of fem-dude. He’s good looking, will buy you drinks all night, and won’t stop telling you everything he wants to do to you under the sheets. But, wait. What is this? Last call hits, and he makes up some excuse why he can’t come home with you. He’s not married or in a relationship, yet he’s acting like a scared little girl whose being lured into a windowless minivan. My theory is that he’s a chick. A completely boring and sad chick. Maybe he’s afraid that if you two go home together you’re going to start stalking him and expecting fancy dinners at Ella’s. Little does he know that you are completely uninterested in him in that way.
9. The Old Dude
At first, dating “Old Dude” seems like a GREAT idea. You’ve already dated every single, straight man between 25 and 39 in a 12-mile radius. You’re just about to throw in the towel, and then a light bulb goes off: what about that silver fox who winked at you the other day at Capital Athletic Club? He’s handsome, well dressed and knows the difference between Mozart and Beethoven … Before long, you’re wondering why you’ve been wasting all this time with boys your age. But then the curveball hits. He’s on wife number four. He gets way too interested in Cialis commercials. His ideal weekend? Wine tasting in Napa – with his other girlfriends.
10. The OKCupid Guy
You could substitute this with the “Match.com” guy, the “eHarmony” guy, or the “CougarLife” guy – but Sacramento guys are cheap, so OKCupid it is. This guy recently got dumped and doesn’t have a ready roster of available ladies to soothe his wounded ego. He has interests that aren’t that interesting and pictures that aren’t that flattering. His idea of romance includes drinks on a weeknight at any Midtown bar with a cheap happy hour and zero chance of running into anyone he knows. And after you hook-up with him, he’s suddenly “sooo busy at work” and just can’t find the time to hang out. “Looking for: long-term dating,” my ass.
So that’s the list ladies – avoid these fellas unless you’re a total masochist or in need of a serious project. Did I leave anyone off?