Decoder: Guys and their St. Patrick's Day Beverages
Originally Published March 14, 2013
By Rachel Smith
The only thing I love more than a day full of drinking is a day full of drinking with hot men.
Lucky for me today is the perfect opportunity for this: St. Patrick’s Day – where the sea of green beers mixed with the crowds of orange, soulless gingers makes everyone seem Jon-Hamm-tan.
Accordingly, my liver is already bleeding with anticipation this morning of what I’m going to do to it. I may only be one quarter Irish-American but if there’s a celebration that promotes copious amounts of alcohol consumption and bad sexual decisions, then that makes me the Lucky Charm Leprechaun.
For your P.P.P. (party preparation pleasure), below is a terribly thought out, semi-researched analysis of what a man’s drink choice on St. Patty’s Day says about him…and bonus: where you’re likely to spot him today. Because ladies: the only thing more important than celebrating Irish people…is hooking up with them. Here’s what you’re working with Sacramento:
1) Guinness/Smithwick’s/Harp … Any Irish Beer
An obvious, smart choice. He clearly cares about supporting the real cause here, which in case you forgot is…(please hold while I google)…celebrating Irish heritage! Not only is he into promoting Irish breweries and ginger factory workers, he is probably the most likely to last the longest on the pub crawl…to your bedroom. He will be in full green garb from head to toe, complete with a giant green plastic hat with that little buckle in the front. Please note: He will spend all night dangling beads in your face in an attempt to get you to take your top off.
- Likely to spot him at: de’veres, Gallagher’s, O’Mally’s, 2me.
Similar to the green beer drinker, this guy is also into rocking some Irish Pride…along with a raging case of Whiskey breath and neck sweat – but he’s sexy. Likely sporting rosy red cheeks that are caused from dehydration, he’s confident, has lots of hair on his head, and nice shoulder muscles. He will offer you shots, take your hand for a quick dance to the blaring bagpipes, and then violently make out with you on his way to the pisser. And yes, he will refer to it as “the pisser.” You’ll want to catch him before 10PM because after that, he’s most likely to be passed out with his hand buried in the Chargin’s popcorn. And yes, that’s a cute nickname for your friend’s hoo-ha.
- Likely to spot him: Everywhere.
This guy has clearly missed the memo that St. Patrick’s Day is a time to binge, not to swirl a glass of Pinot by the firelight. He’s either a distraught, bitter old Brit from the days of yore or he’s a cat owner. Regardless, he will likely be repelled by the site of pub crawls and twenty-something’s in little green shorts so just know that. However, sophisticated Yuppies welcome. Comhghairdeas!
- Likely to spot him at: Chops or Rio City Café.
This guy appreciates St. Patrick’s Day, but is determined to make the night last and therefore chooses to stick with his signature drink because he knows his limits. This bodes very well for your late night “plans” because this guy is a drinking pro, not just someone who surfaces on special holidays and passes out in the cab. In case you were interested: he has a full-time job, speaks to his mom regularly, and will only ask you to repeat your name twice.
- Likely to spot him at: Any Paragary’s Establishment.
The only reason a guy would shoot a Kamakaze over a Jameson is because he can’t handle his Whiskey-which is very telling. This means he is probably scared of insects and would do little to protect you in a crisis situation. Sure, you can have sex with him but it’s likely to last two minutes and you definitely will not climax with that picture of Jake Gyllenhaal he taped to your face.
- Likely to spot him at: The Block on J Street or the Sizzler.
If a guy is partaking in the “copious amount of alcohol consumption” then it’s critical to take water breaks often … so let’s hope that’s what is operating here. The good news is, if he’s pacing himself throughout the day then you have a better chance of finding a happy ending in the bedroom and not a trail of vomit.
- Likely to spot him in the afternoon at: The Arco Station on 29th and J and behind you in line at the Del Taco drive thru at 4AM.