Sober State of Mind

Originally published January 8, 2013

snookiBy Rachel Smith

It’s only January 14, but if you are one of the millions of people swearing off booze for the famous “Sober January,” you’re already twitching from withdrawals. Some of us will relapse tonight, others will make it to mid-month, and those of us who make it all the way to February 1 will end up dying from acute alcohol poisoning in the bathroom of Elixir. In hindsight, this is the worst resolution of all time.

But here we are. So here are a few things to consider to help pass the time:

1. Create a new “jogging” playlist then promptly not jog.

2. Pretend to care about cooking.

3. Realize your cable has been shut off.

4. Feed your oft-ignored pet.

5. Wash a dish.

6. Bribe your married friends to cook you dinner.

7. Extensively research the validity of Mermaids.

8. Actually drive your car instead of AAA’s Tipsy Tow service.

9. Identify where the cat shit is residing in your bedroom.

10. Acquire a dangerous addiction to ZzzQuil.

11. Continue to ignore any and all voicemails.

12. Finally recognize that Del Taco is completely foul.

13. Attend a family function without passing out in your nephew’s bunk bed.

14. Successfully mastermind a PayPal money laundering scheme via your parent’s credit card to reimburse yourself for the $300 you spent at.Chargins on Christmas.

15. Delete all 27 new numbers you stored in your iPhone since Thanksgiving.

16. Continue to ignore all of your friends’ baby photos on Facebook.

17. Wash your duvet cover instead of just your pillow cases.

18. Buy a bunch of scrapbooking materials from Michael’s and then just sit on Facebook for four hours.

19. Drink water, instead of violently chugging it.

20. Get your toilet paper from Safeway instead of the communal bathroom at work.

21. Shine bright like a diamond.

22. Say screw it and walk to Alley Katz.

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1 Comment

  1. Cicely says

    This is hilarious. Don’t forget the “buy a blender, some organic crap you saw on someone else’s Instgram, and make a smoothie.”

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