How to Lose Online Dating in Four Days
By Rachel Smith
Like countless other men and women, I decided to jump back on the online dating train for the umteenth time this week.
It lasted four days. This is my story:
I was in bed this past Sunday night, restless and horny – I mean lonely, and decided to just start downloading hella dating apps. JDate, Match, OK Cupid and Tinder were on the short list. I start with JDate first (since I’m Jewish and this would please my mom) and pay the $71.79 subscription price to join, but immediately I notice that shit is looking bleak. There are literally no prospects. The men are either not Jewish, haven’t logged on in months, or…not in my area. In true Jewish fashion, I alert my mother immediately.
The following day I contacted JDate app support to see about getting a refund and deactivating my account. Not pictured: I also emailed two other JDate email addresses I was able to track down. This was an urgent matter. If I wasn’t getting laid – I mean holding hands in the park – I was going to need some sort of win, and ASAP.
Meanwhile, I continue to engage with guys on the other sites. As you can see, they weren’t going… well.
Monday night I receive a response from JADE L (major player in this story) but I don’t see the email until morning. I open the email and all I see is “36” and “we don’t typically offer refunds.” I fire off a response thinking she was saying there are 36 men in my region (she actually said 36 pages but we get to that next).
LATER THAT DAY, I email Jade back. I feel bad for barking at her so abruptly. But not bad enough to point out that we still had a very serious problem. Even more serious was the fact that the only prospects showing up on my Tinder were carbohydrates. Yes. A fucking burrito. Del Taco is what I was being matched with.
Also enter foot fetish guy. In my desperation I was willing to play along because – who am I to judge? Well, even he wasn’t impressed enough to continue a conversation with me. #slowlydyingalone
THEN something unexpected happens. I get an email from APRIL D. WHAT HAPPENED TO JADE? We were just getting comfortable. I inquire.
The night turns into morning and I lose sleep wondering where Jade has gone.
More of the same from OK Cupid, Match and Tinder-ito. Then my phone buzzes. JADE IS BACK. AND SHE’S SAFE. Great news, however, diminished by the realization that I’m acting like a lazy, desperate pig on OK Cupid and Match. I WAS TAUGHT HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY. Spoiler alert: it’s not when you’re me. Slowly realize I might just need to be a completely different person. One who goes to a gym. One who doesn’t consider the lunch buffet at Round Table Pizza to be the best thing since the horseless carriage. Dammit.
OK. Jade has done all she can do and I dig that. As I prepare my voice for my phone refund, I receive another message from Jade. PROVING SHE IS THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME.
I LOVE YOU JADE!
While exciting, this was no time to get distracted by her flattery. It was time to get real now. No male prospects anywhere so my eye was on the only prize left. This refund. I called JDate Wednesday afternoon and spoke to a man named Jared.
He was very nice BUT COULDN’T HELP ME EITHER. This will not stand, I said to myself. Time for reinforcements. Enter: MY JEWISH MOTHER (and naturally, a video camera).
VICTORY!!!!! A semi-refund is a refund and therefore a WIN!
THEN THURSDAY: THIS HITS MY INBOX. AND I KNOW IT’S OVER. I’VE WON. I MEAN, I’M STILL SINGLE AND ALONE, BUT I’VE WON. Now that week one is behind me, I’m going to try and get an actual date.
WAIT! WHO THE HELL IS TAMMY AND WHAT HAS SHE DONE WITH JADE???
You can read more about Rachel Smith in her new column on Girls on the Grid called Rachel in the Know as she chronicles her dating life in Sacramento and online.