Timeline of "Sleep" Of a 9+ Month Pregnant Woman
By Eileen Speaker (Guest blogger
7:30/8: Realize it’s dark out, swap maternity jeggings for maternity leggings. Ahh, so much better! Gotta love a fully belly support. Adjust belly band and maternity belt so as to prevent single swollen foot from worsening overnight. Release growing boobs from their C (C!!!) cups.
8:45: Settle down to watch Netflix with husband.
8:47: Husband recognizes heavy breathing, switches from Hart of Dixie to swords and sandals flick.
9:00: Mumble a claim to still be awake, realize futility. Begin arrangement of pillows: 3 under head, one between knees, and lastly, kidney bean shaped Boppy which at this point is the consistency of a bowl of oatmeal, for something comfortable and supportive for mandatory side sleeping.
10:15: Kick sleeping Schnauzer in the face accidentally. Well, now someone else knows what it feels like to be pregnant.
11:34: Snort self awake. Ew, did I really just make that noise?
12:03: Woken up by need to pee. Debate whether I really need to get up, realize fighting is useless. Launch enormous beached whale body up and out of bed. Floor squeaks loudly underfoot. Great. Get idea for this piece, decide maternity leave is the perfect time to catch up on all that writing I’ve half started. Hey, maybe I could even write a book? If Lena Dunham and Amy Poehler can do it, why not me? The hospital bag can totally wait.
12:06: Fall back into bed on top of Boppy so stomach is supported. Wait to fall back asleep, to do list runs though mind. How are we going to pay for this child, I wonder?
1:00am: Dream husband delivers baby and she’s blonde and blue eyed. (Husband and I are both dark eyed brunettes.) I casually arrive at the hospital a few hours later. Awake and realize I don’t care what she looks like, that plan sounds awesome.
3:17: Again? How do I need to pee again? I have consumed nothing since the last time I peed. Is it the baby’s pee? Amniotic fluid? How is there so much of it? Pee pants a little. Experience sciatica attack on way back to bed, do some cat cow poses on the floor to try and get some relief. Tell self how zen I am.
4:54: Involuntarily release world’s most poisonous gas. Maybe chili last night was a poor decision? Decide they should bottle this stuff and use it against ISIS. Headlines read: “Gas of pregnant women takes out terrorist group; Obama personally begins poking holes in condoms.”
6:55: Awake! Pee again? Yes. Husband stirs, announces he thinks I have sleep apnea. An elbow/ knee moves along the side of my stomach, Alien style. We made it through another night.
We received this guest blogger post and thought it was hilarious and something many soon to be Mom’s could relate to. You will be happy to know Eileen has since delivered a healthy and happy baby!