10 Lies "Perfect Moms" Want You to Believe

By Jamee Villa

I have had it. Like really had it. I cannot read, scroll past or view another fictitious blogger Mom. It actually infuriates me. Why would you put these fake scenarios out into the universe, especially to guilt ridden Moms and Dads. Don’t try to fool me. I am also a Mom. I know how sh*t goes down and let me tell you – my friends do too.

 

10 Infuriating Lies – Here We Go!

1. Your House is Clean. Almost museum like. Stop. That only happens when people are sleeping. I may have picked up toys but I guarantee there is a dust bunny floating around and there is always cheerios mashed into the living room rug. Its not fair to clean up your house and take a picture. You’d get a little more respect from me if I saw 9,000 legos on your floor.
2. Your kids nose is never running. Again, Stop. Does your kid have friends? Because those midgets are germ hosts. It’s impossible to get my daughters face clean without her absolutely loosing her mind. A clean nose takes bribery.
3. Speaking of bribery, don’t you ever say you are too good for that. I will pull out any piece of food from my purse, keys, lip-gloss, whatever it takes to get me what I want. Which is probably her clothes on or getting in the damn car.
4. Expensive clothes. I cannot understand purchasing children expensive clothes. Those midgets shove food in their face like its Armageddon day. I am not having my daughter ruin a $30 dress from Nordstrom. She is going to wear Target sale items until she can earn a W-2. $2.99 with 5% back from my Target card. All day, people!
5. You never speak bad about your children. This makes me laugh really hard out loud. I used to wonder why my dear friend, Alex would call her children names, until I had a kid. Kids remind me of that one hot mess drunk of a friend you have. You love them to death but sometimes they are a real asshole and you have no problem telling them to their face if asked. They deserve it.
6. You never speak ill about your husband. Do not tell me you don’t have a mental list of all the times you’ve taken out the crap in the diaper genie. Women never forget. We hold that information locked in, just stewing until the time is right to unleash the dragons.
7. Manners. Don’t try convincing me that your kid is an angel and he/she is just going through a phase. You are the parent. They are the child. Discipline that savage or risk the roles being reversed. I get phases. Honestly, I do however, what I have the problem with is children clearly running the whole god damn show. Grow some balls.
8. Oils. Now you’ve really got me on this one. So you are saying that if you rub some magical oils on your child they are not going to get sick or they are going to increase their mental clarity and attitude?! I can’t even respond to this one. The real winners here are these Oil manufactures who are laughing all the way to the bank.
9. You’re super Mom. You do it all. Gym, Tan, Laundry, Dinner, Work, … with a big smile on your face because you are just so freaking perfect. The only super moms I know are the ones who ask for help, who call to vent or cry, who get up for work tired every day and still have time for Happy Hour at night. We may miss the gym for a whole week but we still get up and try.We may wear dirty expensive jeans but at least our kids cheap clothes are clean. Shout out to all my Super Mom friends, you know who you are!
10. You document it. Like document the F out of it. How in the hell do you have time to take these picture perfect photos (in a clean house) at least 1-2 times a day? Are you being present like you blog about? Are you really enjoying your family and your home? Get off the god damn phone, get on the floor and play with those little beasts. Instagram can wait but time cannot. Not to mention, it pisses me off.
* I really love my daughter and my husband like I am obsessed with them. They mean the world to me… but sometimes they bug.
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Keepin’ it real with a fit throwing kid on the floor. Only thing perfect here are those cupcake kid pants for $2.99.

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2 Comments

  1. Cassie Lujan says

    Love everything about your blog! I love when people say oh you sure do have a life with having kids! Well he is with his dad who also brought him into the world. I don’t need to be with him every minute so when he has to go into the real world he freaks out that I am not there every second. Keep keeping real! I can’t even get a perfect picture of our family for the holidays because life is too crazy!

  2. Alicyn says

    OMG!! I LOVE THIS!!
    My house STAYS a wreck!! Our bedroom is the worst, because its the last on my list to clean, and I never make it to cleaning our bedroom. EVER! 🙁

    I can’t stand it either.
    I can’t stand to see these moms try to act perfect…I wanna slap them! its all a front! Its all a FRONT!
    The looks I get when I tell my kids to knock it off before I smack them in the mouth is priceless. People look at me like I have done something.
    Nothing wrong with idle threats. Ask my kids how many times they have actually gotten a spanking…ZERO…but they have that fear that I will! That is key!

    As for this little nugget…I LOVE her!! I refuse to believe she would EVER throw a tantrum, she is a complete and total angel, a picture perfect child! 🙂

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