Dates on the Grid Gone Bad: Greatest Hits Edition

By Michelle Sweezey

Michelle Sweezey
Michelle Sweezey

 

“You’re Michelle, right?” I was recently asked at a coffee shop just downstairs from my place.

Hesitantly, I opened my mouth to respond and was hit with: “You’re that mom that’s super fit and goes all these places and does all that stuff right?”

Again I went to answer, and was interrupted,

“Yeah, I know you! I do! I’m Joe*, nice to see you again.”

And then it hits me. And I smile, and can barely speak without smirking as I reply,

“Oh, yes, Joe, I remember you, you stood me up.”

Roll embarrassing (for him) end credits to the scene here.

 

This happens to me a lot actually, not the standing up, part, that has just happened that one time (so far. . . ), but the running into people I’ve dated bit. That’s a regular occurance in my life as of late. Sacramento’s a big city, except when it’s not.

 Except that for the 30-40 aged range of dating pools. . . it’s actually a rather small body of water, so to speak.

Fortunately, this provides a rather sincere source of entertainment. Somewhat for me, more so for my friends, and especially for those lucky enough to have actually been there with me to experience the mayhem that is the midtown dating scene.

I can’t blame them. It kind of is that ridiculous. And also, I’ve been on the other (vicarious) side of it, and considering that I am still laughing about them . . I’d say they’re a tale worth retelling, literally.

 

On that note, I present a collection of encounters from Dates Gone Bad, Greatest Hits edition, fondly dubbed as:

 

The One And Done: When You Know, You Know

 

  1. He smoked. Cigars. On the date. During dinner. Like, while you were eating. Not before. Not after. WHILE you were eating. Sushi.

  2. He showed up wearing more pastel than 1980. Yes. The year. Yes, all at once.

  3. He called you the wrong name. Twice. In five minutes. Both different.

  4. He had black shag area rugs in his apartment. Yes, plural, as in rugS. Yes, on purpose.

  5. He had a framed tiger towel in his bathroom. Framed. Towel. Tiger. Bathroom. Grrr baby. Rawr.

  6. He said he was six feet (tall?). And then he stood up. And you stared at the top of his head. At that baldish spot.

  7. While showing him a picture he recognized your friend from a photo, because he took her out on a date last Spring. . . Check please.

  8. He was already drunk when you arrived. Like slurring and shit. Nervous or alcoholic? Either way, no dice.

  9. He asked you if you think the bartender would go home with him that night. You were not the bartender.

  10. He swiped left. While you were sitting there.

  11. He was actually. . . still married. Not kind of. Like a lot.

  12. He asked you to pay. Asked. Not agreed. Asked.

  13. He was actually closer in age to: a) your parents, or b) your children, than he is to you. Just say no.

  14. He ate less than you. And also, you outdrank him. By a longshot.

  15. He spelled one word correctly in a five word sentence. One. It was his own name.

  16. He asked you to the movies for a first date. What are you, fifteen?

  17. He asked for your name and number, you texted it to him, and it showed up in his contacts. Like it was already there. . .

  18. He introduced himself by saying “I’ve seen you online, you have a great profile.”  Stalk much? Hello match membership? I’d like to cancel please.

  19. He sent you pictures of his. . . lap times and PR’s. Ummmm. Does your arm hurt? You know, from all that back patting?

  20. And, representing the guys in the house… she gave you a kitchen knife and a wedding ring as a gift for the first (okay, only) date. Serial killer? Or just.that.lonely?

 

These are real things that happened, to me, or to my friends, right here on the grid in our sunny Capital city. I wish I were kidding. I’m super not.

 

So like, dudes— don’t be that guy. And Ladies, don’t date that guy. I mean, unless that guy is um, your kind of guy, in which case, call me, I’ve got some matchmaking to do.

*name changed to protect identity of the date offender, I mean, um, the guy who didn’t show up.

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6 Comments

  1. Julie says

    I met a guy on a Saturday night at Harlows for a drink. When he arrived he apologized for how he smelled. He had ridden his motorcycle to our date because a skunk sprayed inside his car. So there we were, having drinks, and me looking for a way out of the date with the man who smelled like a skunk. I had to lie and say I had to leave early because I needed to go to church on Sunday morning.

    1. Michelle says

      ummmmm, how did the skunk spray the inside of his car, exactly. . . hahaha

  2. Jackie says

    He walks you to your door, tells you you’re gorgeous, intelligent, and loves your perspective on life. Asks if you’re interested in breeding. No seriously, if you’re interested in settling down and starting a family he’d love to BREED with you. Ya know, because you’re good stock. Like cattle.

  3. JT says

    I had a guy tell me he LOVED to read (which I do too) and asked if he could come over and borrow a book. He looked through all of my many books and passed over all the great ones and instead chose a book called DRUGS. Which was a book I had to buy for a college class that was a glossary of common drug street names, and which drugs they were (i.e. – “Molly” – MDMA, “Blow” – cocaine, etc.). The best part was that the cover said: “Just Say Know” and he laughed and said: “That’s awesome, hah, ‘just say now.'” I dubbed him illiterate Dave. Never saw him or the book again.

    1. Michelle says

      He took it!! Bwhahahaha

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