It's a bird, It's a plane, It's…another disappointment

By Rachel Smith, Co-Editor

April 8, 2014

In what is sure to go down as my saddest act of desperation to date, I, Rachel Smith, just googled “how to meet single, normal men who actually call when they say they will.”

Needless to say, the number of available men who show interest in me has dwindled like my checking account balance after a night at de Vere’s Irish Pub– and the number of men playing me for a fool has skyrocketed like Iron Man ditching Pepper Potts’ ass when she starts inquiring about the “perfume smell” on his suit jacket.

At a time when all my friends are marrying off and making babies, I (still) find myself struggling to get a guy to respond to a simple text message.**(We learn why at the end of this story). After spending a few necessary hours this weekend drowning my sorrows into a bowl of vodka soda, I realized something very important: I needed to make more ice cubes.

I also realized that many of the men I meet are nothing but masked con artists, traipsing around the City at night looking to swoop me up with their large biceps only to leave me just as quickly as they came in AND with a ton of questions like, what was his name and was he wearing spandex tights?

Yes – these men I speak of are a nothing more than a parade of Marvel and DC comic action heroes- hot, daring, cool and brave… until you get lured into a bathroom bar gossip session about the girlfriend he may or may not have.  It’s only then that you realize they are all a bunch of Jokers.  Ladies, step up and meet the comic book men of our time:

 

Nightcrawler

nightcrawler

Remember when we made plans to have dinner on Saturday at Pizza Rock at 7:30pm and even joked about wearing matching denim onesies? Guess not.

My natural reaction to a dude going full “ghost” (ie: going from texting back and forth one minute and then falling off the face of the Earth) is that he clearly dropped his phone, laptop, AND iPad in the toilet OR died in one of Jean Grey’s violent explosions. Both totally viable scenarios – if you’re Rose Byrne playing opposite James McAvoy in a Lauren Shuler Donner adaptation. But ladies, this isn’t 20th Century Fox and this dude is very much alive. In fact, odds are that he is sitting at home drinking a Bud Light and playing (himself) on his Xbox and sexting a chick he met at one of Professor Xavier’s pool parties. And this chick is probably sitting on her kitchen counter, covered in $350 worth of LuLu Lemon yoga gear while smiling and twirling her hair as she preps a kale smoothie. Meanwhile, you’re hiding under your duvet cover with a snot-covered bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and staring at your phone’s blank home screen.

It takes every bit of willpower not to call and ask “Sooo are we still on?”  But the truth is that you will never get an answer about his abrupt disappearance. Well, out loud that is. Your answer is crystal clear: he is sprawled out on the couch in his sweatpants – likely the ones with the bleach stain – and he is not a good enough person to be upfront with you and tell you that he’s lost interest.

Batman

batmanRich, handsome AND a tortured soul? That’s like the hotness trifecta.  Added bonus: no annoying in-laws to worry about! But with your busy 9-5 and his packed schedule saving the city every night, that doesn’t leave much time for intimacy. Well, unless you find spending hours in an empty, gothic mansion with a creepy British butler to be romantic.

Alas, Bruce Wayne may be the man of your dreams when the sun is out, but once that bat-signal shines after dark, he has no problem leaving you mid-coital to go save Chase Meridian from Two-Face and the Riddler. And here you thought he wanted someone sweet and reserved. Really, dude? Because that chick you met at the after party of a children’s charity gala just got hella dramatic on someone’s SMUD bill and is now illuminating the entire sky with an outline of a winged mammal – so have fun with that, Boo.

When he ditches out the second something else comes along, it’s time to get real with yourself and accept that you are not a priority for him and worse – he’s been saving his sexy costume (THAT CAPE!) for other women and all you ever got was a half-assed strip tease with a tailored suit from Men’s Warehouse.

Wolverine

wolverineThe absolute dream guy for anyone who likes ‘em hairy and manly. But be forewarned – while he’s sexy, muscular Logan one minute, in a flash he’s turning into anti-hero enemy numero uno with hella retractable claws. You think he’s your typical blue-jeaned, wife beater-wearing dude until one day you accidentally forget to lock his passenger door at the movie theater and he responds by violently ripping off his tank top and nearly poking your eye out with one of his neck veins.

This Wolverine builds you up at first and encourages you to trust him and let your guard down. Once you are comfortable enough to tell him you “like him a lot” he’ll scratch your eyes out whilst telling you to “wear more skirts and lip gloss” and maybe try to go to the gym a little more.  Plus, you just KNOW he’d use that convenient “amnesia” excuse every time he forgets your birthday.

Spiderman

spidermanYou’ve finally met the Peter Parker of your dreams – the smart, geeky, boy-next-door who dotes on Grandma all day. This guy, seemingly all innocent charm on the outside is really spinning a web of lies, and likely has two children from an ex in Utah he still “sees on holidays” or has a secret stash of Mary-Jane-redheds he regularly calls when he feels lonely.

It’s not so much the cheating or the constant cleanup (webs are sticky, y’all) that’s so frustrating about dating a Sactown Spidey – it’s realizing you’re getting dissed by a nerd. Here you thought he was a gentleman who would treat you like a Queen and never have the nerve to leave you mid-conversation for an upside-down make out session with a sopping wet Ginger. But he fully will. Whatever, Peter. If Spider Man 3 taught us anything it’s that no man should sport swept bangs.

The Flash

flashThis guy comes on quick – and strong. He’s saying “I love you” before you even finish your first meal together and while that initially freaks you out, it’s also ridiculously flattering and you can’t help but fall under his spell. Then POOF. Three days pass and he won’t even wave at you when you see him buying hummus at Trader Joes. No. Before you can even shout his name across the cheese aisle, he is already at Low Brau drinking with his new boo. Cut to 45 minutes later and he is magically in Carmel buying her a bracelet at Tiffany & Co. and posting pictures on his Facebook of the new Yorkie they bought together. Meanwhile, you’re still at Trader Joe’s, stunned, and wondering how you will be able to support your guys’ Yorkie as a single mother.

So, what have I learned from being dumped and humiliated by these types of men over and over? Well for one, I realized that my life story could have have made millions at the box office had I pitched it first. But also, I learned that women just need to be their own super hero and be wary of any man in a cape and tighty whities.

**Plot Twist**

irish-april Updated: 4/8/14 11:03am – Turns out that I’m a masked con artist too. Single white female to be exact.

One minute you think you’re April O’Neil doing normal investigatory work – asking mutual acquaintances about a guy you’ve never met, but that you’re supposed to hang out with. Totally normal right? Wrong. Especially when it gets repeated back to the dude as you having said, “I love him and he’s the one.” In all fairness, that totally sounds like something I would say whether I was being serious or not. #vodka!

So! What we’ve (REALLY) learned here kids is this:

1: I’ve been “Dr. Psycho” all along

2. Bartenders are not “mutual acquaintances”

3. You are accountable for anything you say after consuming 19 vodka sodas.

4. There are (probably) worse things than being a platinum member at men4rentnow.com

5. While I agree that women should be their own super hero, make sure you’re not the psycho, stalker. And don’t pick an Orange costume.

6. I’m going to die alone, my body to be found weeks later half-eaten by wild dogs (a la Ms. Jones)

7. Trust no one. Except Chuck Norris.

 

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