Top 9 Worst Relationship Tips. Ever.

cosmoBy “Samantha Jones”

What’s with the alias? Ummmm…because we all have professions and careers that we’d like to keep…but we’d still like to talk about sex openly/honestly.

Update: One of our favorite “guys on the grid” sent us a response to our column. Check it out, it’s hilarious!

Small confession… I’ve never really enjoyed magazines geared for women. For me, US Weekly, People, InStyle (etc) are only good for perusing while standing in a long line at Nugget – or at the pool day drinking with your girlfriends. Judging heavily photoshopped models and reading features on what celebrities look like without make-up just gets boring real quick.

But the grandmother of all women’s magazines – Cosmopolitan – particularly irks me for it’s awful sex/relationship advice. I remember being in middle school, reading these columns with my girlfriends and being totally confused. Even in our completely inexperienced state, these tips to “drive your man wild” didn’t ring true.

So in honor of Valentine Day, we bring you the worst advice Cosmo has ever given women…

1. “Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body — his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.”

…and if he is responsive to this method, it’s OK to take it a bit further for the ultimate pleasure. Poke his foreskin like you’re prepping to cook a potato or a Lean Cuisine Ravioli dish. Don’t be afraid if he cries out in pain, that’s boy talk for “Hit Me Baby One More Time!”

2. [Utilize a vacuum cleaner during sex]: “Remove the attachment so it’s just a plain hose. While you’re wearing your underwear, have him turn it on low and hold it over your clitoris for a sexy sucking sensation. If the sensation is too much (or your vacuum has serious sucking power), have him hold it an inch above your underwear.”

I’m not questioning the outcome (anything involving my clit is a home run), I’m questioning the delivery system. I’m down to get dirty…but this just seems unsanitary.

3. “Quiz him — what’s your favorite flower, movie, etc. — and if he gets it right, he’s earned ten seconds of oral. Wrong and you drizzle candle wax (use a massage candle, which won’t burn) on his chest.”

Your man has to “earn” oral sex by answering useless trivia questions about your boring life? Ladies, blow jobs take practice, but they are worth learning how to do correctly. It’s one of the only times you get to be in full control of his pleasure – it’s the gift that keeps giving to both of you. Plus, how can you expect him to go downtown on you if you ration or deny him “mouth stuff“?

4. [Utilize loose change during sex]: “Put a bunch of (clean!) loose change in the freezer for an hour. Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube, then cover it with coins (outside only!). The cold against the warm? Incredible.”

Points for knowing that alternating cold and warm feels good, but using coins? Really?

5. “Keep a spray bottle filled with ice water next to the bed, and give each other a strategic spritz to extend the encounter… Aim for the nerve-packed, thin-skinned areas on each other’s body, such as the nipples.”

Note the source is a PHD – so clearly advice we can trust.

What is he – a cat that jumped on the counter? This tip came straight from the innovative folks at Guantanamo Bay.

6. “Dab some peppermint oil on your neck and between your breasts. Studies found that the smell of mint has a revitalizing effect. Bonus: your boobs will smell extra fresh.”

Or you could just take a shower. P.S. Mint belongs on your breath.

7. [On how to tell if he’s cheating.] “If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why.”

If this thought even crosses your mind, it’s time to see a shrink for your psychotic insecurities and paranoia. Heaven forbid you could be the reason he’s happy. No, clearly he’s cheating – time to hack into his phone/tablet/email.

8. “Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.”

Just brilliant. Yes ladies – right before he climaxes – tell him to hold it in so you can go to the kitchen for some spices. He’ll absolutely love that feeling where his balls tighten up into excruciating pain. For an added touch, you’ll also want to bring one of those Magnum Ice Cream bars back to bed with you, because you know, Magnum is also the name for an extra-large condom and just seeing the word written out in huge letters will show him how impressed you are with his package that he’ll want to take you a fancy dinner afterward! And want to meet your parents!

9. “In the shower, get him to shave your legs for ultimate submission.”

Absolutely not. This is a terrible, terrible idea. First of all, your legs should already be shaved before you get down with your man. Show a little respect for his face while your legs are wrapped around it for god’s sakes – and pamper yourself pre-date over a bottle of wine like the rest of us.

**Disclaimer – We’re for whatever is consensual and feels good. If you or your man are into anything on this list, apologies. And mazel tov you dirty bastard.


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