From the Desk of Mr. Big: Response to Cosmo's Relationship Tips
EDITOR’s NOTE: After we posted Cosmo’s Top 9 Worst Relationship Tips. Ever. this morning, one of our favorite “guys on the grid” sent us the following response. It was simply too funny not to post. Enjoy!
I never trust the advice of any “women’s” magazine. For all the talk of empowerment, they all seem awfully concerned with what the hell a man cares about. Here’s a hint: we like drinking, sexual congress, and being uninterrupted during sporting events with the exception of either of the former. Preferably both.
What that in mind, my take on these awful ideas.
1. “Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body — his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.”
MR. BIG: “No flatware in the bourdoir” should be common sense, but apparently it isn’t. It’s a hop-skip-and-a-jump from using a fork to that sequence out of “Misery” involving a block of wood and a sledgehammer. Leave the fork where you found it: sitting in our sink, waiting to be cleaned.
2. [Utilize a vacuum cleaner during sex]: ”Remove the attachment so it’s just a plain hose. While you’re wearing your underwear, have him turn it on low and hold it over your clitoris for a sexy sucking sensation. If the sensation is too much (or your vacuum has serious sucking power), have him hold it an inch above your underwear.”
MR. BIG: Did you know that some vacuum cleaners have small fans near the end of their suction tubes? No? Well now you do. The things are death machines masquerading as household equipment, and they suggest putting it right next to your chief pleasure center. ARE THEY HIGH? But if you absolutely insist on using a vacuum cleaner, go with a Dyson product. Go big or go home.
3. “Quiz him — what’s your favorite flower, movie, etc. — and if he gets it right, he’s earned ten seconds of oral. Wrong and you drizzle candle wax (use a massage candle, which won’t burn) on his chest.”
MR. BIG: 10 seconds of oral is about as good as 10 seconds of getting kicked repeatedly in the groin. Just blow him for chrissakes and be done with it. If you want to put him on the spot about things in your life he has no clue about, wait for major anniversaries or family events like you all normally do.
4. [Utilize loose change during sex]: ”Put a bunch of (clean!) loose change in the freezer for an hour. Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube, then cover it with coins (outside only!). The cold against the warm? Incredible.”
MR. BIG: So now I’m cleaning loose change to prepare for sex? We just went over the fact that I don’t even clean my own dishes that I regularly eat off of – do you really think I’d scrub down pennies I picked up from the corner store? You want to take that chance?
5. “Keep a spray bottle filled with ice water next to the bed, and give each other a strategic spritz to extend the encounter… Aim for the nerve-packed, thin-skinned areas on each other’s body, such as the nipples.”
MR. BIG: Why not splash some aftershave on my taint while you’re at it? This is awful for two chief reasons: 1) my ancient apartment is usually so cold that I prefer to get under the blankets during my hanky-panky so I can actually feel my extremities, and 2) you had best believe that I will spray you everywhere I possibly can because I will find it hilarious (also: if you run out of the bedroom, it just means that I won).
6. “Dab some peppermint oil on your neck and between your breasts. Studies found that the smell of mint has a revitalizing effect. Bonus: your boobs will smell extra fresh.”
MR. BIG: We’ll just get hungry for Thin Mints. Stick with sex-funk, thank you.
7. [On how to tell if he’s cheating.] “If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why.”
MR. BIG: There are no words. Oh, wait, yes there are. If you want to run a great guy out of your life, one who is stable, happy, and emotionally upbeat, go ahead and start running background checks on him constantly. Check his phone while you’re at it! Stalk him in public! Go nuts (literally)! On the bright side, you’ll being doing us a favor by letting us know that you’re a bubbling cauldron of crazy and we should stay far, far away.
8. “Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.”
MR. BIG: F*** you, Cosmo.
9. “In the shower, get him to shave your legs for ultimate submission.”
MR. BIG: We don’t mind hair. We do mind grooming you. Do you know why? Think “Good Naked” vs. “Bad Naked.” There are things that we don’t want to know about you: that you use the restroom, that you can grow hair elsewhere than your head, that you get all upset when we harmlessly bring up the concept of anal during an open discussion of things we’d be interested in doing to you. First off, you asked! And second, c’mon, it’s not like you haven’t considered it before. But now I’m the bad guy? Well it’s not like I’m asking for it every day – just like my birthday or something! GAH, THIS IS WHY I NEVER TELL YOU THESE THINGS.