Weighing Me Down

EDITOR’s NOTE: Cross-posted from Amy’s person blog Limit Reached.

By Amy Ruiz

Since the age of 10, I have fretted about my weight. It was at about that time that puberty began attacking my poor body. Hormones warped my sense of reality. I felt fat and awkward even though I wasn’t fat.  I didn’t really gain weight until I went off to college. It’s taken me 28 years to figure out that being fat is all in my head. Yes, I still need to lose weight, but no longer will I torture myself with awful thoughts. That’s the first step. The second step is eating right. Fad diets are bunk. I don’t have the patience to count points. I’m not stupid. I know what’s healthy to eat and what’s not. You know what I try to do? Eat like a skinny person, think like a skinny person. I’m trying to change my mind and my way of life, not just what food I ingest.

It’s a daily struggle. I’m an emotional eater. Chocolate is my Xanax. Baked goods comfort me when I’m sad or stressed. Luckily, being single, I have more control over what food is in my pantry. There isn’t someone who tempts me with a gallon of ice cream sitting in the freezer. I have some self control, but it’s easier to not have that stuff in the house. It’s a slow process. I’m trying to break bad habits. I’m trying to find new ways to comfort myself. I’m trying to be more aware of how I feel after I eat. I’m also just trying to eat less. Shocker, if you eat less, you don’t weigh that much.

I’m not advocating anything. I’m just expressing myself. I know most women struggle with their weight. Personally, I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. For the most part I am, but there are still those moments when I see a photo of myself and the loathing sets in. The hardest part and the most important is to stop that loathing. I need to change the picture of myself in my head to one that is healthy. I also need to stop thinking about long term goals and just focus on the now. Taking little steps to make myself happy will get me back to a healthy weight. I know I’m getting there, but it’s so easy to slip up. One day at a time is how this battle in my head will be won.

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