Home Sweet Home on Craigslist
Living in Midtown is fantastic. Just ask anyone who lives here. You are mere steps from shopping, restaurants, and most importantly, drinking establishments. But finding the right place can be grueling and frustrating. Just ask anyone who lives here.
A lot of people, including myself, look to Craigslist for available properties, but in the last few weeks I have accrued a severe disdain for this site.
Sure, you might be able to find nice washer and dryer set on there for a decent price, but in reality CL is just full of hyped-upped advertisements for sub-par merchandise, created by people who are desperate to get consumers interested in their worthless crap. In the professional world, we refer to these types of people as PR professionals (which I’m not mad at). And in reality, they’re actually murderous perverts. (See: Lifetime’s rendition of the Craigslist Killer).
So it’s beyond me why I’ve been using this website to find a new house because I know the game they’re playing, and it’s unlikely I will ever find anything livable through this website.
Although I’ve become extremely frustrated and impatient in my search, I have also become somewhat of a pseudo expert on the real meaning of these one-line advertisements so I thought I’d pay it forward so you don’t have to waste your precious time too…
“Charming Cottage” – This basically means that someone has converted their garage into a living space by simply placing a toilet and sink in it. There’s no air conditioning, probably no windows, and you will most definitely run into your landlord (ie: the guy living 4 feet from you) on a daily basis. He will be in tightie-whities and tube socks. He will also come over to your living quarters at least three times a week and invite you to “watch the news.”
“Spacious Apartment” – Oh, I’m sure it is spacious, but it most certainly has yellow kitchen tile and water stains on the sinks. There is also brown carpeting filling every room, and you will more than likely die from asbestos poisoning before your lease is up. And good luck flushing the toilet.
“Beautiful 1br in the Heart of Midtown” – You see the term “beautiful” used a lot to describe properties on Craigslist. But how come when I click on the link, I’m always faced with the ugliest piece of shit in the world? I’m talking bright pink house, brown lawn, and barred windows. And “Heart of Midtown?” According to who? Last time I checked, 13th and C was the Loaves and Fishes parking lot.
“Newer Upstairs Unit” – This term is actually code for an old piece of crap with a new coat of paint. So, just know that.
“Lovely Sacramento Home”– This home is not in Sacramento, it’s in Rosemont. It also has a tire swing in the front, which absolutely no single girl wants to get involved with. Because tire swings=children and that is awful. And just to reiterate, it’s in Rosemont. Rosemont.
, “~*~*~*Wake Up and Smell the Coffee~*~*~*,” or “!!!***Welcome to Your New Home***!!!” – Marketing 101, don’t be annoying. And definitely don’t use more than one typographical symbol per sentence. Moreover, using presumptive text like this makes you look like the Craigslist killer or an uneducated mother of 18. Neither of whom I would want to see on a monthly basis to drop off my rent check.
So help me out Sacramento – I know apartments with real charm and character exist in Midtown. What are the best websites and resources to find them?