I Hate Change
I hate change. No, I am not talking about coins, or the kind I can believe in, but the kind of change that shifts MY consciousness and transforms MY mundane experiences into golden memories passing by like leaves gone with the wind.
I detest when friends move away. It encourages me to think about moving away too so I am not the only one left at the party seeing them out the door. I hate moving, in general, for each space is so filled with memories that to leave them is akin to abandonment, as if those walls meant nothing at all.
I hate … I hate … I HATE CHANGE! It’s crippling and despairing and teary and I doubt I will ever get used to it.
When I was in high school — and mind you, my high school days were not amazing nor horrible, just middle of the road – I cried at the end of the fall semester of my senior year. Why? Because it was the “LAST FALL SEMESTER OF HIGH SCHOOL” and it was the death knell of my seemingly satisfying current situation. I was right to mourn the end of my high school days as intimate friends disappeared, people changed and daily activities that were so integral to my identity faded into nothingness. But how was I to know the magnitude of change before the caps and gowns were put away?
(I foresee myself as the most teary-eyed mother ever … “Oh little Sawyer is having his 235th day of school; he will never have that 234th day of school EVER AGAIN!”)
The silver lining is that CHANGE is often balanced with something new and exciting. A new house! A new job! A new city! A new set of friends to meet and adventures to embark upon! But when it is the friends moving away, the one left behind has nothing but a void to dance around and to seek out a new friend to fill in the gap that has been left.
Sacramento is a difficult town to live in if you are prone to outburst of tears in the face of change (second to DC, I imagine). Administrations change, elected officials get voted out or termed out or phased out and with them go their staff, the consultants and the think tanks disbanding. With the end of the Schwarzenegger administration, the systems and faces I have known since I moved to Sacramento in 2006 will all change. Even friends who don’t work for the Governor’s office have found reasons – good reasons –- to sail away from River City. School, new elected officials to staff, presidential campaigns and career change are all legitimate reasons for people to move out of Sacramento … Working in politics is no different than working in a carnival; we’re all just carnies looking for the next trick to bark.
And it is so easy to be happy for them – new things! … But it is still tragically difficult to not mourn the loss in Sacramento.
I suppose, faithful readers, you will note I have written articles for this site about the closures of Blockbuster and Le Petite Paris, aka CHANGE. Yes, I am sentimental, and yes, I am prone to being a Debbie Downer. And, YES, I am also jealous of people who have the capacity to make amazing life decisions. Maybe my real issue with the impending exodus of friends is that they are going on to exciting things and I feel as if I am missing the boat. (But then I have to remind myself that I have been the one to move away to the Big City and then subsequently returned because I love Sacramento…)
Maybe my sadness is jealousy in disguise … or maybe it’s just I’m really f-ing anxious to see my friends go!
I am honored these friends chose to be my friend (or let their guard down to let me in!), spent hours listening to me complain about wedding planning or gushing about my puppy, honored to have spent hours listening to their tales of woe or personal triumphs, and am glad they are finding success on new paths. Their new stories will keep me motivated to create big changes in my own life and travel to new places to see them …
… but I still hate CHANGE! And if anyone else says they are moving away from ME, I will rip their freaking head off!